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17 January 2013 @ 02:01 am
The Girl Remembers  
Title: The Girl Remembers
Word count: 261
Rating: PG
Original/Fandom: Original
Pairings (if any): None
Warnings: Light cursing
Summary: She remembered when she actually had a life, not just a virtual one.

She remembered when she had a life, a real life, not a virtual one.

She remembered when she actually used to go out with her friends, though in that small town that thought it was city, there wasn’t much to do besides bowling or going to the one screen theater.

She remembered spending the endless days propped up against the boy’s back. She remembered kissing him gently, but wanting more and not knowing how to ask for it without looking like the naïve girl she really was.

She remembered going to the high school that now served the junior highers, which annoyed her to no end. She remembered sitting in class and looking out the window, wondering if this was really it. She remembered acing the tests though she never paid attention.

She remembered coming home to find her mother in her normal place on the pleather couch smoking a cigarette. She remembered walking into her room, dropping her too heavy book bag and falling on the bed where she got a mouth full of cat hair.

She remembered staring at her ass in the mirror and proclaiming it to be a nice ass, though rather small. She remembers cataloging her every feature and she remembers comparing to them her former friends and she remembers coming up short when compared to them.

She remembers turning on the computer. She remembers watching her favorite anime and laughing. But what she doesn’t remember is when she became fused with the computer. She wonders when that happened, but she knows that she doesn’t care.

This entry is also archived at: http://love-poetess.dreamwidth.org/2944.html
Current Music: What Goes Around.../...Comes Around by Justin Timberlake
Ashi: Thoughts running througherifnosmirc on January 20th, 2013 12:02 am (UTC)
This reads like an accurate depiction of the small town milieu and the feelings of entrapment and longing for more that can come out of that sort of "cabin fever." The bowling alley and one-screen theater detail to describe the town painted a setting right away with few words.

You do a good job showing that the way the girl feels about her "real" life is influenced both by her surroundings and her own actions. She can't change the layout of the small town, and there's only so much she can do about her inattentive mother -- Mom has to be the one to change herself -- and those can be reasons she feels trapped, in a way. But she could have gone further with the boy she liked if she'd chanced more than shy kisses, and she could have considered her attributes instead of focusing on her shortcomings in regards to her self-concept and esteem. Things might've started to turn for the better if she approached them differently.

I'm not fond of the "she remembered" repetition. Her remembering all of this is already implied in the first sentence and mention of doing so. All this things she's recalling about her old life were written in past tense as well, whereas the events leading up to her becoming virtual are in present, which shows readers that that's her life now.

I know it's commonplace for people to compare their physical features with their peers, but the section about her looking at her backside really threw me off the piece. Maybe it was just the mention of "ass," which reads crudely compared to the rest of the piece, which is more wistful and contemplative.

Just a small idea, but maybe you could play around with the chronology of these moments. Keep the small town part up ahead to set the scene and her getting fused with the computer at the end since that's where she ends up, but list the details in the middle according to importance maybe. Which of these caused her to feel the least to most trapped in her life?

I'm kind of interested what her life is now that she's in the computer. Like, is she in a video game, wandering around files and the Internet, popping up into viral videos? I know that wasn't the focus of this piece, but if you ever revisited her, it might be neat to read about her virtual life.

Lot of stuff going on here. I like it a lot!
love_poetesslove_poetess on January 20th, 2013 01:00 am (UTC)
Now that I look at the "remembers", it does seem a bit repetitive. I'll try to rewrite that.

The ass part. Haha that's how I was honestly thinking at the time. But I can see how it kind of throws off the flow of the piece, I'll change it up a bit.

I had a really fun time remembering and writing this, so I'll probably do it some time in the future.

Thank you so much for your input and for reading!